"Something More"... and that being death at work in me.

I have been hesitating to write this for quite some time. I recently told a friend that I struggle with posting blogs because so often my motives are to glorify myself. Yep, I struggle with pride. As I sit here to type, there is a pit in my stomach, but a "knowing" that I must press on in hopes of building up others in the faith.
Just before I headed back east, a dear friend of mine from WA wrote me a note. Her words were so often a source of encouragement and comfort to me during my time out west... and yet again, in this note they served the same purpose. She told me of how an impression of "something more" always came to her mind and heart when she would pray for me. Not knowing exactly what that meant, she left that to my discernment and encouraged me to pray and seek God for clarification as to how that slogan applied to my life. No sooner did God show me what it meant.
Initially when I thought of what exactly "something more" could be, I associated it with extravagance... or a big ministry in my future, etc., etc. But, no. God did not allow my imagination to run wild with those kinds of self-exalting thoughts. He clearly showed me that "something more" in my life needed to be more death. Death. Death, so that He might live. Death, so that life could be at work in others. Death, so that all the glory is given to His son, Jesus Christ. Death, so that I do not get carried away by selfish motives. Death, so that no one is drawn to Ally, rather Christ in Ally. Death, so that the hope of the living Christ pours out of every act. Death... so that He is the prize, rather than what He can give to me.
I got to thinking... if the perfect and holy God of this universe can die to His position in Heaven, so that a selfish sinner such as myself could live in eternity with Him... then can't I die to my miniscule plans or agendas so that He might be brought glory through my life? The more I try to hold on to my wants and ambitions, the less He is glorified in me. It is in the "let-go", that He becomes my sufficiency. It is in the place of surrender that I am freed to experience His presence as the one, all-satisfying treasure.
Oh, that God may help me if I seek to glorify myself. How often have I made it my aim to make others glad in Him? He gently revealed to me that the truth is, I lead others to hope in what He will do in their future rather than in Him- the One who is to be adored and treasured. How dare I point others in the direction of what they can "get" from God, rather than leading them---BY EXAMPLE---to the contentment that comes from allowing God Himself to be their sufficiency.
Do not be deceived, as we die He lives! The only hope for lost humanity is to see God's people humbled and Christ exalted. The more I hold on to the things of this world, the less I look like Christ...oh, I have so far to go. The truth is...I am tremendously self-centered. I am so concerned with my own welfare, so filled with "self." Oh, that God would rid me of my own selfish ambitions that his desires might reign in my mortal body.
There is so much more I want to say, so many thoughts I would love to articulate. Yet, I know this is where I should end. My only hope and prayer would be that this somehow has encouraged those of you who have been questioning. Those who have been wondering if living for Him is worth it. My friend, as Christ is exalted in your life and as He is made to be your one desire... your hope, your joy... then and ONLY then is it worth it. Contentment in Him... satisfaction in His Word... these are the things that bring us through the trials of this life.
I leave you with the eloquent, Christ-exalting words of John Piper in hopes that His words will encourage you in a way mine could not. He writes, "God does not call us to ease, but to faithful joy. He is closing in on some of you, smiling and with tears in his eyes, knowing how much of himself he is going to show you---and how much it will cost. As I write, I pray that you will not turn away."

One of those "moments."

I have heard it said many times that life is a series of moments.  In my own life, I continue to find this to be a reality.  I have found that in mere moments, God has revealed truths to me that have liberated and renewed me.  Today, I experienced one of these moments.

My moment has a name, her name is Emily.  She is this beautiful, blonde haired, inspiring woman.  We briefly met for about five minutes after a service at FOS (that is the name of the youth group I am interning at).  We both later discovered that we had shared this instant "attraction" to one another.  Do you know what I am talking about?  It was almost as if she knew something I needed to know.

Interestingly enough, I almost allowed "busyness" to rob me of meeting with this incredible person.  This can be so typical of me, especially because I can become so consumed with what it is that I am doing that I forget that God may just be wanting to interrupt my agenda once in a while!  So, earlier this morning, Melissa, Pastor Andrew's assistant, noticed that I had a post-it stuck to my notebook with Emily's name written on it.  Melissa immediately looks at me and says, "Ally, you need to meet with Emily for a coffee date before you leave here."  Melissa is one of those respected people that when she speaks, you listen.  The phone call led to a coffee date, which now brings me to my computer, composing my thoughts about this awesome experience I just had.

Ya know, God just amazes me.  I continually stand in awe.  I mean, how He orchestrates and interconnects lives... it's fantastic.  We had an hour and fifteen minutes to get to know one another when we sat down at our picturesque table that was conveniently leaning against the wide glass window in Barnes and Noble.  It was almost as if the conversation never actually began, it just was.  Immediately we shared the depths of our hearts and connected in a way that could never possibly be forced.  It was like God just said, "Here is a friend.  She will understand the struggles that rage war within your soul and she will recognize your gifts and affirm them because I have designed you two this way and brought you to this place in your lives so that you might learn from one another."

As Emily shared her most recent struggles and victories, God began to remind me of mine as well.  This moment with her affirmed who He has called me to be in a way that years of introspection and pursuit of opportunities never could have.  She allowed God to be glorified through her as she sat in that small wooden chair, and I was reminded of His faithfulness and of my purpose.  How amazing is that? That the God of this universe would care to position two lives together in Olympia, WA in order to refute the lies of the wicked one and to further His kingdom.  And that is exactly what happened.

In that one hour together, light was shone on deception that had been blinding me for days.  I had recently been struggling with the need to figure out what exactly God was doing with my life (good grief, is that even possible?).  I had been questioning whether or not my "gifts" were really gifts.  Inwardly, I had been rejecting and despising God's call on my life and the passions He has placed within me.  Yet, this girl Emily knew exactly what I had been battling because she has been there and continues to "work out her salvation with fear and trembling."

If you are reading this, I pray that God gives you eyes to see the moments that He orchestrates in your life.  He is always looking to heal us and restore us to Himself.  Never allow yourself to stay in one place too long... especially if that place is filled with shame, guilt, and regret.  Call it out.  Confess it.  Let His Word expose the lies that you are believing and move on.  There is no time to waste.  He wants to set you free so that you can inspire others to do the same.  

He's consistent... I am not.

In my previous post I mentioned how God's sovereignty has been revealed to me in a different way since I have arrived in Washington.  God has been repeatedly making me aware of my inconsistencies and shortcomings in light of His unconditional love, patience, and goodness.  He is gently leading me to a place of rest and peace in who He is.  His plan hasn't changed because I am in a different setting with different people and ways of doing "ministry."  His love hasn't changed and His purpose to grow me and shape me into His image has not been tossed out the window.  God is intentional... I am not.  I, on the other hand, struggle with intentionality.  God sees the big picture, I get overwhelmed with what is in front of me. 

He is teaching me a lot about His character.  By doing this, He is developing in me a greater love and respect for Him and His Word.... (to be continued).

Ayadejah

I was hoping to attempt at posting a blog earlier on.  However, since I have been in Olympia, Washington, I have found it almost impossible to debrief and reflect in a way that would suffice all that has been taking place.  Actually, in all honesty, I think I have been hesitant to record some thoughts in fear of not sounding eloquent or not articulating my thoughts in a way that someone else could comprehend.  Yet, I am here... typing, hoping that my words will bring glory to God and paint a picture of the challenging, yet growing experience I have been having thus far.

As I think about the last four weeks, I am bombarded with the many ways in which God has met me.  Nothing pans out the way one expects, and I certainly could not have envisioned my time here...nor been adequately prepared for it.  Prior to leaving for Washington, I knew that God was wanting to prepare a humble heart in me.  What that looks like in the flesh, I still am not exactly sure.  However, He quickly showed me where I lacked in the humility department when I arrived.  God has allowed me to experience humility in more ways than I think I can recall.  Especially in more ways than I have recorded, that is for certain.  Simple Biblical truths have become realities to me.  God is sovereign.  His plan unfolds despite my greatest attempts or achievements.  Yet, He wants to use me, and in His grace and mercy He has orchestrated what I have called "moments" throughout my time here.

I believe it was my second Wednesday night at FOS (Fruit of the Spirit).  Pastor Andrew was giving his third message from the book of Proverbs.  Prior to his sermon, I had met a beautiful eighth grade girl, Ayadejah (a as in "ate"-ya-day-shah).  Instantly I was reminded of a very significant high school student from Bethany, Daisy Kabochi.  God always seems to do that with me.  He gives me a heart for random strangers by allowing me to associate them with people who are dear to me.  We sat together that night during service, and there was a beautiful, genuine hunger that she displayed for the Lord.  What took place next was one of those "humbling" moments I mentioned earlier.  She took my hand and began to pull me to the front, implying that she wanted me to join her in worship near the "altar" (I place altar in quotes because that is a term that is not used out here... nor do altars exist in the way that I have been so used to).  I gently pulled away, immediately bombarded with thoughts like, "No, I can't go up there with her.  I know exactly what other leaders will think, 'Who is this girl? She is here only one week and she is already up front raising her hands and thinking she is sooo spiritual.'"  How pathetic I am... I know.  Yet, in that moment I felt I was supposed to go and support her pursuit of God.  I pushed aside my own pride and insecurity and followed her.

It was at the "front" that God started to break my heart for Ayadejah.  I anticipated that tonight had more purpose than I had realized.  So, I did my best to lift my hands and surrender what I could to God, hoping He would use me in some capacity in Ayadejah's life.  During the message, the Word was given.  I knew God had shed some light into Ayadejah's heart so that I might help her respond to Him.  God had showed me that she bore the weight of guilt and shame.  I knew that I was to ask her if she wanted to pray.  It was here that God brought freedom... through the Word, into her life.  She shared with me the rejection and hate she feels from her father and her mother.  James 1:18 came to mind in her case..."He chose to give us birth through the word of truth that we might be a kind of first-fruits of all He created."  Also, James 1:25, "But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does."

It amazes me how a young, 13-year-old girl, is embarking upon a journey to save her family.  She is facing the rejection of a father, a mother who misunderstands her, and a brother who wants more to do with earthly pleasure than true joy that comes from God.  I saw Jesus in Ayadejah...and it was inspiring.  I was humbled that God chose to use me in that situation, and I am eager to see how the work will continue to unfold.